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Not All Women Deserve Half….Period.

Hello, everyone. I know, I know….it’s been quite some time since you’ve heard from me. Well I’m back and I hope to never leave you hanging like that again. But hey, life happens so we’ll see. Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy New Year and Happy <insert any other holiday(s) I failed to mention here>! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get down to business.

As I’m certain you’ve heard by now, everyone’s favorite NBA player, Mr. Kobe Bryant, has gotten a divorce. And before it gets driven too far into the ground (assuming it hasn’t already), I needed to weigh in on the matter.

It’s all over the internet that Vanessa Bryant received $75 million in their divorce settlement, which was estimated to be approximately half of Kobe’s net worth. Some reports assert he’s worth somewhere north of $300 million; the only people who truly know how much he’s worth are his attorneys and financial advisors. For the sake of argument and this blog, we’re going to operate under the assumption he was worth $150 million and was required to allocate half of that to support his ex-wife and children. Based on the title of this blog, or if you know me personally, you should already know I disagree with that notion.

I can’t imagine how Vanessa, or any other divorcee for that matter, deserves half of what “they” supposedly earned throughout the marriage. My rationale is very simple, though. I’m not going to argue how she never participated in a practice or workout, never hit a game winning shot, nor was she ever MVP of the League. All the intricacies to how he made a living are fairly irrelevant in my opinion. Here’s my gripe: if the justification for alimony is to allow “the victim” to maintain their standard of living, who’s to say she couldn’t do that if she was awarded, let’s say $40 million, or even $20 million? You name one necessity she wouldn’t have or be able to do with either of those amounts that she could only do/have by raping reaping half of his money. This whole standard of needing half of what was earned while together to maintain some superfluous lifestyle is a crock of…you know what.

I’ve always believed marriages are more so business agreements than anything else and these celebrity divorces involving exorbitant alimony settlements support my theory. You ever notice how love, happiness and all that other mushy s*** people vow to live up to suddenly goes out the window when it’s time to collect what she’s “owed”? And while we’re on the subject of owing, let’s talk about all the money she would gross in the unlikely event she went on Basketball Wives. But I guarantee no one would say she owes Kobe for that, despite the fact she only has this opportunity as a direct result of their relationship. Oh, and we’re not even going to address how she was advised to wait until the 10 year mark in their marriage to substantiate her claim that “Kobe cheated too much”, as if there was a limit to how many free passes he received. Her timing seems awfully convenient.

These divorces aren’t about adequate financial support and stability; they’re about greed. Here’s a non-traditional example:

Let’s take the scene from Why Did I Get Married Too? where Gavin & Patricia divorced and he wanted her book earnings. You don’t have to remind me; I know it was poorly written. At any rate, I went to see this movie in theaters and as with any TP movie, you have your typical ignoramuses in there screaming at the screen. I remember watching that scene and hearing some chatter about how he doesn’t deserve any portion of what she earned from her writings. But why not? Because he had a job and wasn’t a homemaker? So what? Or was it because he never contributed to her works? Personally, I think he was being greedy and didn’t need nor deserve that money, but how can one argue Vanessa Bryant deserves half and Gavin doesn’t? There needs to be consistency across the board.

Here’s how I think these matters should have been handled: since Kobe was undoubtedly the breadwinner here, he should have been able to make the initial settlement offer, rather than granting Vanessa the chance to draw first blood from his bank account. Do you think he is really going to stop supporting her and his kids? Of course not, hence why he should be able to make an offer as to how much he’s willing to give up. I get that the alimony is supposed to ensure she, and more importantly, the children are well taken care of, but why can’t he be given the opportunity to do that on his own over the next so many years? It should be treated like a parolee on probation; not necessarily having to check in with someone weekly, but having some arbitrator monitor what he provides for them. And if he doesn’t live up to a preset standard of caregiving and financial support, then revisit the matter later. I’d bet good money that if all these men were given the opportunity to continue support their families post-divorce own their own accord, they would. No one ever speculates on the oppressor’s remorse for the detriment brought to the marriage; why is the sole focus placed on how “damaged” the wife was? Some people do have consciences and therefore should be given the opportunity to show and prove

But at the end of the day, I don’t feel bad for Kobe or any other celebrity/public figure who was forced to shell out an outrageous sum of money in alimony. Those individuals will be just fine and never want for anything again. The moral of the story is: keep it in your pants. If you know you have the propensity to cheat, don’t get married. It’s that simple.

Don’t agree with me? Would you prefer to read an opposing view on the matter? Here’s a good one from a friend of mine: www.awordorthree.com/2012/01/vanessa-deserves-half-yeah-i-said-it.html

Posted by  |  January 25, 2012 | Categories: Cold World, No Strings Attached, Venus | 2 Comments »

5 Little Known “Facts” About Men

I find it funny how some women say they know everything about men; making assertions to understanding why we think and act the way we do. You’ll hear all sorts of things from we’re all dogs to we only care about food, sex and sports – and not necessarily in that order. But, over time I’ve observed several things a lot of women actually don’t know about us. Listed below are five “little known facts” I’ve picked up on over time. While I’ve termed them as “facts”, you may find one or more of them to be debatable. See which ones (if any) are news to you…

Men fake orgasms, too.

“What?? They do?” Yes ladies, we do – although it should come as no surprise to many of you. Not because you aren’t capable of sexually pleasing someone, but….let’s look at it from a different angle and consider your feelings for a moment. Think about how awkward it would be (or has been if you’ve already experienced this) if you were to later find out he didn’t “finish”, so to say. Just as men need their egos stroked, women do too. It’s more than just a desire; women have a yearning to know their partner is thoroughly enjoying that experience. Unlike most men, a woman can enjoy a sexual encounter sans an orgasm, but they usually won’t be satisfied if their partner isn’t being equally pleased. If the shoe was on the other foot, most men wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. But if a man doesn’t “finish”, women begin questioning themselves like “what did I do wrong”.

Men actually gossip more than women.

Yes, it is true. Gossiping is more prevalent among men than it is among women. We love running our mouths about the latest happenings, especially as they pertain to our dealings with women. More so than talking about them, we enjoy hearing from our boys about their latest pickups. Listening to a story about who our friends have been with is probably the single largest source of entertainment for us. And the only way we can hear about is if someone tells us. Say what you will but we’re not ashamed of it – not in the least bit.

Men discuss their desire to be in relationships.

To piggyback on the last one, our relationship desires are another part of life men discuss. I say we love discussing relationships or discuss them nearly as often as the typical gossip, but it does come up in conversation from time to time. There’s usually at least one woman we hold with higher regard and would seriously consider making her “the one”. She’s the exception to our standards and will be the topic of conversation. We can openly discuss women in a general sense, but typically won’t express our feelings with any depth unless it’s with our closest of guy friends or a female confidant in an effort to avoid ridicule. But as we mature, we begin to appreciate the value of long term relationships and tend to discuss them more frequently.

Men don’t always want to have sex…

Sometimes, ladies, we just want to lie and cuddle with you; be still while we gaze into your beautiful eyes, attempting to read your intimate thoughts in the midst of utter silence and a luminescent sunrise. Alright, let me stop….no seriously, that may be true in some cases, but it’s not what I mean when I say we don’t always want to have sex. I really mean there are times when it may appear we’re “only in it to hit it”, but all we really want is to know we could if/when we want it. We take pride in simply knowing the option is available to us. Typically this is the case post-break up, but it can also happen with someone we meet for the first time.

Men cheat less frequently than women.

No debating here; this is a known fact. Okay, maybe not, but I truly believe it to be the case. Before I defend my side of the argument, let me put the disclaimer out there: I do NOT condone cheating; I’m just sharing my thoughts and experiences. Now, what I’ve discovered is men are caught cheating more often than women and therefore are criticized more for it. But since women are so crafty, coupled with the state of oblivion in which men tend to live as they’re too busy hiding their own dirt, it’s easy for a man to overlook when a woman steps out. When a man puts forth a concerted effort to avoid getting caught cheating, he makes it that much easier for the woman to get away with it. I’ve seen it happen all too often. I mean, there’s only so much time in a day to work, maintain a steady relationship, hang out with friends, eat, “entertain” other women, cover your tracks, and then finally sleep….I mean, something has to give.

So what have you learned today, ladies? A lot I hope – but if not, hopefully you can take something away from all of this. Be it something you already knew but now have a better understanding of, or perhaps something you had no clue about and are learning for the first time. As for the fellas, I know some of them will read this wondering why I’m giving away our trade secrets. But in reality, I’m just shedding light on what already lies before us. In the grand scheme of things, the more women understand about men (and vice versa), the easier it will be for us to interact with one another. We’ll never completely understand each other; I’m just doing my part to narrow the gap.

Posted by  |  November 4, 2011 | Categories: Cold World, Mars, No Strings Attached, Self-Actualization, Venus | 2 Comments »

What’s In a Lie?

In talking to a few people who read my last post about “safe-dating rules”, a point about lying was raised when I mentioned how two girls I was seeing didn’t know about each other. Yes–we all worked together and they both knew each other. Yet, I didn’t outright tell them about one another. The question is whether my “miscommunication” was a form of lying…

Even before writing my last piece, I’ve had many discussions surrounding what constitutes as a lie. But before I go into my spiel, let’s begin by examining the definition of a lie. I’m using http://dictionary.reference.com/ as my source:

Lie [lahy] noun, verb, lied, ly·ing.

Noun

1. A false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.
2. Something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture: His flashy car was a lie that deceived no one.
3. An inaccurate or false statement.
4. The charge or accusation of lying: He flung the lie back at his accusers.

Verb (used without object)

5. To speak falsely or utter untruth knowingly, as with intent to deceive.
6. To express what is false; convey a false impression.

Verb (used with object)

7. To bring about or affect by lying (often used reflexively): to lie oneself out of a difficulty; accustomed to lying his way out of difficulties.

Idioms

8. Give the lie to,

a) To accuse of lying; contradict.
b) To prove or imply the falsity of; belie: His poor work gives the lie to his claims of experience.

9. Lie in one’s throat / teeth, to lie grossly or maliciously: If she told you exactly the opposite of what she told me, she must be lying in her teeth. Also, lie through one’s teeth.

Did you get all of that? Good. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I think we can fairly summarize the definition of lying as making a false statement with the intent to deceive. Most of the points above encompass that notion in some manner.

So what’s the big deal? Why the detailed definition of a lie? Perhaps I could have left it out, but the intent wasn’t necessarily to show what a lie is, but more so to show what a lie isn’t. In several of my relationships and even with some of my platonic friends, I’ve noticed how certain miscommunications are confused for lies. There are two in particular I want to clarify and explain why neither of which is a lie.

Failure to Volunteer Information

If you ask some people, they will tell you failing to offer “important information” is lying. This couldn’t be further from the truth (no pun intended). In order to tell a lie, one has to make a statement. For example, if you’re interested in someone, you may want to know if he/she is seeing someone else. But as I’ve said before, if you want to know something, just ask. How am I supposed to know that type of information is your concern if you don’t ask? I make it clear when I first start dating someone that I’m not one to offer information and if you want to know something, just ask me. What if I disclose something that isn’t a concern of yours? You may not care whether or not I’m sleeping with someone else or that I find someone attractive and am contemplating pursuing them. I could go on and on about many things in my life from childhood until now; that shouldn’t mean I’m not being truthful because I choose to hold back certain things. Not everything needs to be mentioned. For the sake of argument, let’s say I am seeing someone else and I decide to tell you, not knowing you would prefer being unaware. Now you’re puzzled and trying to figure out why I felt the need to inform you. Volunteering information has the potential to create uncomfortable atmospheres. Such atmospheres breed apprehension and apprehension leaves you without a companion.

Omitting Information

Somewhere along the way, someone decided if a question is posed and the other person responds in a less than desirable manner, then it’s a lie. This is yet another fallacy; nowhere in the definition of a lie does it mention anything about omitting information. At best, it’s immoral or unethical, but it certainly is NOT a lie. Here’s an example: one of my favorite questions women love to ask is “what did you do last night?” It’s one of those things where they’re giving us very little but expect a lot in return. Usually, I’ll mention two or three events of the evening although I may have engaged in several other activities. As long as those two or three events indeed occurred, there is no lie taking place. In the case of women, often times they ask questions to which they already have answers. They ask as a test, seeing if we’ll give them their desired response. When you ask vague questions, you leave the onus on the person you’re asking to determine what information is necessary to disclose and what can be omitted. And no, it doesn’t mean I’m hiding something if choose to leave something out; everything doesn’t need to be verbalized. So the disconnect isn’t necessarily in the response, but rather in the posed question. As long as everything I do say is accurate, there’s no way it can be considered a lie.

Based on my experiences, men generally agree with my perspective while women fall on the opposite side of the fence. Women tend to expect us to divulge bits of information although we may not know exactly what they want what they don’t want. One way or another, if we fail to do so or omit certain items/events when asked a question, we are considered to be liars. I attribute it to women’s natural sense of entitlement. It’s expected for us to pursue them, cater to them, and provide for them. What happens is these expectations carry over into other parts of life, including in communication. But there is a bigger issue here: the term lying has such a negative connotation. Many people don’t realize the severity of pegging someone as a liar. Words fuel perception and we all know perception is everything. In this world, it’s not about who you are, rather who others say you are. All I’m saying is let’s be fair in our assessment of others. We can’t always avoid judging someone, but we should make certain we control the times when we can.

Want to read a woman’s view on this subject? Check out Lies Come in All Shapes and Sizes to get an opposing perspective on the matter of lying. It’s definitely a good read!

Posted by  |  September 23, 2011 | Categories: Cold World, Mars, No Strings Attached, Self-Actualization, Venus | 6 Comments »

A Few Safe-Dating Rules

A short time ago, someone with whom I was involved spent about an hour ranting on Twitter about an incident that happened between us. I, as well as a number of other people, found it to be amusing, but looking back on it now, I kind of feel sorry for her. Not because of what happened (which I’ll mention shortly), but because of the mistakes she made as we were just casually dating. Since I’m such a good guy, I’m sharing this experience hoping other women won’t make the same mistakes. The references below denote mistakes and will correlate to the lessons that follow.

Background

About five years ago, I worked at an elementary summer school program with several of my peers from college. It was a relatively small program with about 15 people working alongside me. There were two girls working there who caught my eye. One of them (the same one referenced above) immediately made it known the feeling was mutual, so we began spending time together outside of work; nothing too serious. A few weeks later, I decided to make a pass at the second girl and learned she took an interest in me as well. To make a long story short, I talked to both girls for the remainder of the summer. However, neither of them knew I was talking to the other until shortly after the fall semester began.

When the two girls found out about each other, they got upset, with which I sympathized and apologized for it. The second one moved on and we never spoke again. The first one eventually forgave me and decided to give it another shot [1]. In my defense, I NEVER lied to either of them about who I was seeing. I also never led either of them to believe I wasn’t seeing anyone else. The first girl asked very few questions about who I was seeing [2], which I interpreted as a lack of concern with knowing whether she was the only one. But instead, she just assumed she was [3].

In addition to her assumptions, her attitude was somewhat carefree which led me to think she was content not knowing about my dating life. Again, I never lied about who I was or wasn’t seeing. In fact, I even told her a couple of times when I was going to see the second girl and she chose to disregard it [4]. I know how easily excited we get when we first meet someone. We sometimes act against our better judgment, overlooking certain behaviors and giving more than we should in an effort to keep their interest. What we forget is it’s more important to act in our own best interest [5].

Lesson 1: If You Forgive, Then Let It Go

If something happens between you and someone you’re dating and you feel you were wronged, you’re free to decide whether you want to give them a second chance. If you don’t, then so be it. But if you do, harping on it and continuing to play the victim doesn’t bode well for either of you. You don’t have to forget what happened, but it is best to move on – with or without that person.

Lesson 2: Ask Questions

If you want or need to know something, ask a question. Questions are your best friends. It is your own responsibility to look out for yourself. Yes, there some people who will lie and there isn’t much you can do when that happens. But if you think you know something and fail to inquire, then you only have yourself to blame if you find out otherwise.

Lesson 3: Never Make Assumptions

This goes along with Lesson 2. The one thing you never do, especially in dating, is make assumptions. Unless you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, never assume you’re the only one someone is dating. In fact, it’s best to air on the side of caution and assume you’re NOT the only one. That way, you don’t set your expectations too high, minimizing the potential to be disappointed.

Lesson 4: Pay Attention to Warning Signs

Following up on Lesson 3, don’t be unmindful to the world. There are warning signs everywhere to help you; don’t ignore them. When you notice something that looks iffy, make a point to address it – in a mature manner of course. If his phone consistently rings during the non-Christian hours of the night, chances are it isn’t his mother. If he seldom makes time for you and frequently has an excuse for it, well…let’s just say people will make time for what/who they please. I’m not saying such behavior is never excusable; I’m saying don’t let it go unnoticed.

Lesson 5: Keep Some for Yourself

A mistake some women tend to make is being too available to a man. Men are users; plain and simple. If he wants it, he will accept anything you offer, be it quality time, sex, food or just overall convenience. But remember, a man can only get away with what you allow.

As a single man or woman, you’re free to date whomever. Is dating more than one person wrong? In and of itself, no it isn’t. Was it wrong for me to date two people within such close quarters? Some say yes; I say no but I can agree it’s debatable. At any rate, that’s not where the issue lies; the issue was how she carried herself; carefree and presumptuous. If you choose to date and live like that, so be it. Just remember to hold yourself accountable for your actions or inactions. It’s your life and your choices, meaning you suffer the consequences.

Posted by  |  September 9, 2011 | Categories: Cold World, Mars, No Strings Attached, Self-Actualization, The Ex Files, The Memoirs, Venus | 6 Comments »

9 Things We Just Don’t Get

You know how most things in life can fall into two general categories? There are things that make sense where the what, why and how have an apparent rhyme & reason. Like music and sports, which serve as forms of entertainment. Or food and water, which keep us sustained. Then we have those things we struggle to understand. Like why people smoke cigarettes knowing the harm imposed on their bodies; not to mention how expensive of a habit it is. Or how about the message in this quote: “Seventy people catch the swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. Yet, millions of people have AIDS and still, no one wants to wear a condom.” What/who else falls into the second category?

After some thinking, I’ve decided women – and a lot of things they do – fall under the umbrella of things we don’t understand, with the collective “we” being us men. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my share of irrational experiences with women. Below you’ll find several of those scenarios (in no ranking order) that stick out in my mind. See if you can relate to any of them:

1. Based-Beyoncé Stans

So many women around the globe are obsessed with Beyoncé. They call themselves her sister, best friend, cousin, or anything else that’s indicative of actually knowing her. They attempt to mimic her style of dress and dance routines. Women simply worship the ground upon which she walks. I’ll be the first to say it: Beyoncé is OVERRATED! The mere fact her name isn’t marked as incorrect in Microsoft Word bothers me. But it doesn’t matter; women will always be enamored by her – for whatever reason.

2. Don’t Look, But I’m Half-Naked

Apparently, some women wear provocative, attention-grabbing clothes intending to divert our attention. Wearing low cut shirts that practically show areolae and mini-skirts that expose more than 80% of their thighs, we, as men, are still expected to look away. We’re the crazy ones because we want to look. Right…

3) These Shoes Are Killing Me! (Repeat 5x)

I want to take this opportunity to applaud every woman who has ever tried on a pair of designer shoes and bought them knowing they were morbidly uncomfortable. But, it’s not even these women who bother me. It’s the women who repeatedly complain about their feet hurting while wearing them. Maybe, you should have thought about that in the store when your only concern was to look cute. There’s nothing cute about your complaining.

4. The Definition of No = Yes

Have you ever gotten into it with your girl, and later on check to see if she’s okay? You ask: “baby, are you still mad at me?” Chances are if she says “no”, she really means “yes fool, I am pissed!” It could even be worse than during the argument. But why not just say what you really feel to begin with? I guess, as mom would say, “that would be too much like right.”

5. I Am a Queen; You Have to Work for This!

I read this quote that made me think: “Give him a hard time and a [man] will chase you around the world.” It’s sad, yet true in most cases. I just don’t think we should be expected to jump through rings of fire to show our interest Yes, men live for the “chase”, but some women take it way too far. Then they get upset when we explore “alternatives” and say things like “why is he talking to her? She’s not even cute!” or “oh, so he’s just going to talk to Becky over there?” Well, if you were more reasonable and realistic, things might be different. Just a little food for thought…

6. Artificial Hair >>> Real Hair

For the record, I don’t necessarily dislike fake hair. In cases when it looks nice and enhances her look, I’m all for it. I just don’t get the women who cut their hair to sew in Seabiscuit’s or those who shave their eyebrows only to draw artificial facial expressions. Like, why???

7. “Women love a*holes with beards.” – Unknown

I’m just full of quotes today, but this is another one that speaks to my soul. So many women SAY what they want their ideal mate to be. Yet who they date are far from that, being broke, dishonest, cheaters who clearly have nothing going for them. Oh wait – I take that back. They have SWAG. My bad…

8. My Favorite Pastime is Arguing

Whether you’re just casually dating or in a serious relationship, petty arguments are typically unavoidable. But who is usually the catalyst behind them? Without a doubt, it’s the woman. Why do we need to spend an hour discussing how I left the toilet seat up at MY place? Or about why I ignore phone calls when we’re together when they’re actually from my MOTHER? Go ahead, I’ll wait…

9. Hi, I’m a Woman and I’m Allergic to Punctuality

In all of my days, I have only met a select few women who were routinely on-time for things. The rest couldn’t make it on-time if their lives depended on it. It must be something in estrogen that hinders them…yep, that’s it. I’m convinced.

So what’s the point of this list? I literally just subjected you to an 860 word rant without offering any real explanation or solutions. Well, that’s because nothing I say will help you change their way of thinking or even help you understand why women are the way they are. However, here is a bit of advice: the next time you find yourself attempting to rationalize anything above or any others I left off, just stop. Save yourself the time and brain matter. In 26 years, I’m just realizing women are only meant to be understood by themselves. But since there are many guys who haven’t been able to grasp that concept, I felt the need to share. Good luck, gentleman!

Posted by  |  August 30, 2011 | Categories: Cold World, Mars, Self-Actualization, The Memoirs, Uncategorized, Venus | 3 Comments »

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