What’s In a Lie?

In talking to a few people who read my last post about “safe-dating rules”, a point about lying was raised when I mentioned how two girls I was seeing didn’t know about each other. Yes–we all worked together and they both knew each other. Yet, I didn’t outright tell them about one another. The question is whether my “miscommunication” was a form of lying…

Even before writing my last piece, I’ve had many discussions surrounding what constitutes as a lie. But before I go into my spiel, let’s begin by examining the definition of a lie. I’m using http://dictionary.reference.com/ as my source:

Lie [lahy] noun, verb, lied, ly·ing.

Noun

1. A false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.
2. Something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture: His flashy car was a lie that deceived no one.
3. An inaccurate or false statement.
4. The charge or accusation of lying: He flung the lie back at his accusers.

Verb (used without object)

5. To speak falsely or utter untruth knowingly, as with intent to deceive.
6. To express what is false; convey a false impression.

Verb (used with object)

7. To bring about or affect by lying (often used reflexively): to lie oneself out of a difficulty; accustomed to lying his way out of difficulties.

Idioms

8. Give the lie to,

a) To accuse of lying; contradict.
b) To prove or imply the falsity of; belie: His poor work gives the lie to his claims of experience.

9. Lie in one’s throat / teeth, to lie grossly or maliciously: If she told you exactly the opposite of what she told me, she must be lying in her teeth. Also, lie through one’s teeth.

Did you get all of that? Good. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I think we can fairly summarize the definition of lying as making a false statement with the intent to deceive. Most of the points above encompass that notion in some manner.

So what’s the big deal? Why the detailed definition of a lie? Perhaps I could have left it out, but the intent wasn’t necessarily to show what a lie is, but more so to show what a lie isn’t. In several of my relationships and even with some of my platonic friends, I’ve noticed how certain miscommunications are confused for lies. There are two in particular I want to clarify and explain why neither of which is a lie.

Failure to Volunteer Information

If you ask some people, they will tell you failing to offer “important information” is lying. This couldn’t be further from the truth (no pun intended). In order to tell a lie, one has to make a statement. For example, if you’re interested in someone, you may want to know if he/she is seeing someone else. But as I’ve said before, if you want to know something, just ask. How am I supposed to know that type of information is your concern if you don’t ask? I make it clear when I first start dating someone that I’m not one to offer information and if you want to know something, just ask me. What if I disclose something that isn’t a concern of yours? You may not care whether or not I’m sleeping with someone else or that I find someone attractive and am contemplating pursuing them. I could go on and on about many things in my life from childhood until now; that shouldn’t mean I’m not being truthful because I choose to hold back certain things. Not everything needs to be mentioned. For the sake of argument, let’s say I am seeing someone else and I decide to tell you, not knowing you would prefer being unaware. Now you’re puzzled and trying to figure out why I felt the need to inform you. Volunteering information has the potential to create uncomfortable atmospheres. Such atmospheres breed apprehension and apprehension leaves you without a companion.

Omitting Information

Somewhere along the way, someone decided if a question is posed and the other person responds in a less than desirable manner, then it’s a lie. This is yet another fallacy; nowhere in the definition of a lie does it mention anything about omitting information. At best, it’s immoral or unethical, but it certainly is NOT a lie. Here’s an example: one of my favorite questions women love to ask is “what did you do last night?” It’s one of those things where they’re giving us very little but expect a lot in return. Usually, I’ll mention two or three events of the evening although I may have engaged in several other activities. As long as those two or three events indeed occurred, there is no lie taking place. In the case of women, often times they ask questions to which they already have answers. They ask as a test, seeing if we’ll give them their desired response. When you ask vague questions, you leave the onus on the person you’re asking to determine what information is necessary to disclose and what can be omitted. And no, it doesn’t mean I’m hiding something if choose to leave something out; everything doesn’t need to be verbalized. So the disconnect isn’t necessarily in the response, but rather in the posed question. As long as everything I do say is accurate, there’s no way it can be considered a lie.

Based on my experiences, men generally agree with my perspective while women fall on the opposite side of the fence. Women tend to expect us to divulge bits of information although we may not know exactly what they want what they don’t want. One way or another, if we fail to do so or omit certain items/events when asked a question, we are considered to be liars. I attribute it to women’s natural sense of entitlement. It’s expected for us to pursue them, cater to them, and provide for them. What happens is these expectations carry over into other parts of life, including in communication. But there is a bigger issue here: the term lying has such a negative connotation. Many people don’t realize the severity of pegging someone as a liar. Words fuel perception and we all know perception is everything. In this world, it’s not about who you are, rather who others say you are. All I’m saying is let’s be fair in our assessment of others. We can’t always avoid judging someone, but we should make certain we control the times when we can.

Want to read a woman’s view on this subject? Check out Lies Come in All Shapes and Sizes to get an opposing perspective on the matter of lying. It’s definitely a good read!