Not All Women Deserve Half….Period.
Hello, everyone. I know, I know….it’s been quite some time since you’ve heard from me. Well I’m back and I hope to never leave you hanging like that again. But hey, life happens so we’ll see. Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy New Year and Happy <insert any other holiday(s) I failed to mention here>! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get down to business.
As I’m certain you’ve heard by now, everyone’s favorite NBA player, Mr. Kobe Bryant, has gotten a divorce. And before it gets driven too far into the ground (assuming it hasn’t already), I needed to weigh in on the matter.
It’s all over the internet that Vanessa Bryant received $75 million in their divorce settlement, which was estimated to be approximately half of Kobe’s net worth. Some reports assert he’s worth somewhere north of $300 million; the only people who truly know how much he’s worth are his attorneys and financial advisors. For the sake of argument and this blog, we’re going to operate under the assumption he was worth $150 million and was required to allocate half of that to support his ex-wife and children. Based on the title of this blog, or if you know me personally, you should already know I disagree with that notion.
I can’t imagine how Vanessa, or any other divorcee for that matter, deserves half of what “they” supposedly earned throughout the marriage. My rationale is very simple, though. I’m not going to argue how she never participated in a practice or workout, never hit a game winning shot, nor was she ever MVP of the League. All the intricacies to how he made a living are fairly irrelevant in my opinion. Here’s my gripe: if the justification for alimony is to allow “the victim” to maintain their standard of living, who’s to say she couldn’t do that if she was awarded, let’s say $40 million, or even $20 million? You name one necessity she wouldn’t have or be able to do with either of those amounts that she could only do/have by raping reaping half of his money. This whole standard of needing half of what was earned while together to maintain some superfluous lifestyle is a crock of…you know what.
I’ve always believed marriages are more so business agreements than anything else and these celebrity divorces involving exorbitant alimony settlements support my theory. You ever notice how love, happiness and all that other mushy s*** people vow to live up to suddenly goes out the window when it’s time to collect what she’s “owed”? And while we’re on the subject of owing, let’s talk about all the money she would gross in the unlikely event she went on Basketball Wives. But I guarantee no one would say she owes Kobe for that, despite the fact she only has this opportunity as a direct result of their relationship. Oh, and we’re not even going to address how she was advised to wait until the 10 year mark in their marriage to substantiate her claim that “Kobe cheated too much”, as if there was a limit to how many free passes he received. Her timing seems awfully convenient.
These divorces aren’t about adequate financial support and stability; they’re about greed. Here’s a non-traditional example:
Let’s take the scene from Why Did I Get Married Too? where Gavin & Patricia divorced and he wanted her book earnings. You don’t have to remind me; I know it was poorly written. At any rate, I went to see this movie in theaters and as with any TP movie, you have your typical ignoramuses in there screaming at the screen. I remember watching that scene and hearing some chatter about how he doesn’t deserve any portion of what she earned from her writings. But why not? Because he had a job and wasn’t a homemaker? So what? Or was it because he never contributed to her works? Personally, I think he was being greedy and didn’t need nor deserve that money, but how can one argue Vanessa Bryant deserves half and Gavin doesn’t? There needs to be consistency across the board.
Here’s how I think these matters should have been handled: since Kobe was undoubtedly the breadwinner here, he should have been able to make the initial settlement offer, rather than granting Vanessa the chance to draw first blood from his bank account. Do you think he is really going to stop supporting her and his kids? Of course not, hence why he should be able to make an offer as to how much he’s willing to give up. I get that the alimony is supposed to ensure she, and more importantly, the children are well taken care of, but why can’t he be given the opportunity to do that on his own over the next so many years? It should be treated like a parolee on probation; not necessarily having to check in with someone weekly, but having some arbitrator monitor what he provides for them. And if he doesn’t live up to a preset standard of caregiving and financial support, then revisit the matter later. I’d bet good money that if all these men were given the opportunity to continue support their families post-divorce own their own accord, they would. No one ever speculates on the oppressor’s remorse for the detriment brought to the marriage; why is the sole focus placed on how “damaged” the wife was? Some people do have consciences and therefore should be given the opportunity to show and prove
But at the end of the day, I don’t feel bad for Kobe or any other celebrity/public figure who was forced to shell out an outrageous sum of money in alimony. Those individuals will be just fine and never want for anything again. The moral of the story is: keep it in your pants. If you know you have the propensity to cheat, don’t get married. It’s that simple.
Don’t agree with me? Would you prefer to read an opposing view on the matter? Here’s a good one from a friend of mine: www.awordorthree.com/2012/01/vanessa-deserves-half-yeah-i-said-it.html
5 Little Known “Facts” About Men
I find it funny how some women say they know everything about men; making assertions to understanding why we think and act the way we do. You’ll hear all sorts of things from we’re all dogs to we only care about food, sex and sports – and not necessarily in that order. But, over time I’ve observed several things a lot of women actually don’t know about us. Listed below are five “little known facts” I’ve picked up on over time. While I’ve termed them as “facts”, you may find one or more of them to be debatable. See which ones (if any) are news to you…
Men fake orgasms, too.
“What?? They do?” Yes ladies, we do – although it should come as no surprise to many of you. Not because you aren’t capable of sexually pleasing someone, but….let’s look at it from a different angle and consider your feelings for a moment. Think about how awkward it would be (or has been if you’ve already experienced this) if you were to later find out he didn’t “finish”, so to say. Just as men need their egos stroked, women do too. It’s more than just a desire; women have a yearning to know their partner is thoroughly enjoying that experience. Unlike most men, a woman can enjoy a sexual encounter sans an orgasm, but they usually won’t be satisfied if their partner isn’t being equally pleased. If the shoe was on the other foot, most men wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. But if a man doesn’t “finish”, women begin questioning themselves like “what did I do wrong”.
Men actually gossip more than women.
Yes, it is true. Gossiping is more prevalent among men than it is among women. We love running our mouths about the latest happenings, especially as they pertain to our dealings with women. More so than talking about them, we enjoy hearing from our boys about their latest pickups. Listening to a story about who our friends have been with is probably the single largest source of entertainment for us. And the only way we can hear about is if someone tells us. Say what you will but we’re not ashamed of it – not in the least bit.
Men discuss their desire to be in relationships.
To piggyback on the last one, our relationship desires are another part of life men discuss. I say we love discussing relationships or discuss them nearly as often as the typical gossip, but it does come up in conversation from time to time. There’s usually at least one woman we hold with higher regard and would seriously consider making her “the one”. She’s the exception to our standards and will be the topic of conversation. We can openly discuss women in a general sense, but typically won’t express our feelings with any depth unless it’s with our closest of guy friends or a female confidant in an effort to avoid ridicule. But as we mature, we begin to appreciate the value of long term relationships and tend to discuss them more frequently.
Men don’t always want to have sex…
Sometimes, ladies, we just want to lie and cuddle with you; be still while we gaze into your beautiful eyes, attempting to read your intimate thoughts in the midst of utter silence and a luminescent sunrise. Alright, let me stop….no seriously, that may be true in some cases, but it’s not what I mean when I say we don’t always want to have sex. I really mean there are times when it may appear we’re “only in it to hit it”, but all we really want is to know we could if/when we want it. We take pride in simply knowing the option is available to us. Typically this is the case post-break up, but it can also happen with someone we meet for the first time.
Men cheat less frequently than women.
No debating here; this is a known fact. Okay, maybe not, but I truly believe it to be the case. Before I defend my side of the argument, let me put the disclaimer out there: I do NOT condone cheating; I’m just sharing my thoughts and experiences. Now, what I’ve discovered is men are caught cheating more often than women and therefore are criticized more for it. But since women are so crafty, coupled with the state of oblivion in which men tend to live as they’re too busy hiding their own dirt, it’s easy for a man to overlook when a woman steps out. When a man puts forth a concerted effort to avoid getting caught cheating, he makes it that much easier for the woman to get away with it. I’ve seen it happen all too often. I mean, there’s only so much time in a day to work, maintain a steady relationship, hang out with friends, eat, “entertain” other women, cover your tracks, and then finally sleep….I mean, something has to give.
So what have you learned today, ladies? A lot I hope – but if not, hopefully you can take something away from all of this. Be it something you already knew but now have a better understanding of, or perhaps something you had no clue about and are learning for the first time. As for the fellas, I know some of them will read this wondering why I’m giving away our trade secrets. But in reality, I’m just shedding light on what already lies before us. In the grand scheme of things, the more women understand about men (and vice versa), the easier it will be for us to interact with one another. We’ll never completely understand each other; I’m just doing my part to narrow the gap.
What’s In a Lie?
In talking to a few people who read my last post about “safe-dating rules”, a point about lying was raised when I mentioned how two girls I was seeing didn’t know about each other. Yes–we all worked together and they both knew each other. Yet, I didn’t outright tell them about one another. The question is whether my “miscommunication” was a form of lying…
Even before writing my last piece, I’ve had many discussions surrounding what constitutes as a lie. But before I go into my spiel, let’s begin by examining the definition of a lie. I’m using http://dictionary.reference.com/ as my source:
Lie [lahy] noun, verb, lied, ly·ing.
Noun
1. A false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.
2. Something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture: His flashy car was a lie that deceived no one.
3. An inaccurate or false statement.
4. The charge or accusation of lying: He flung the lie back at his accusers.
Verb (used without object)
5. To speak falsely or utter untruth knowingly, as with intent to deceive.
6. To express what is false; convey a false impression.
Verb (used with object)
7. To bring about or affect by lying (often used reflexively): to lie oneself out of a difficulty; accustomed to lying his way out of difficulties.
Idioms
8. Give the lie to,
a) To accuse of lying; contradict.
b) To prove or imply the falsity of; belie: His poor work gives the lie to his claims of experience.
9. Lie in one’s throat / teeth, to lie grossly or maliciously: If she told you exactly the opposite of what she told me, she must be lying in her teeth. Also, lie through one’s teeth.
Did you get all of that? Good. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I think we can fairly summarize the definition of lying as making a false statement with the intent to deceive. Most of the points above encompass that notion in some manner.
So what’s the big deal? Why the detailed definition of a lie? Perhaps I could have left it out, but the intent wasn’t necessarily to show what a lie is, but more so to show what a lie isn’t. In several of my relationships and even with some of my platonic friends, I’ve noticed how certain miscommunications are confused for lies. There are two in particular I want to clarify and explain why neither of which is a lie.
Failure to Volunteer Information
If you ask some people, they will tell you failing to offer “important information” is lying. This couldn’t be further from the truth (no pun intended). In order to tell a lie, one has to make a statement. For example, if you’re interested in someone, you may want to know if he/she is seeing someone else. But as I’ve said before, if you want to know something, just ask. How am I supposed to know that type of information is your concern if you don’t ask? I make it clear when I first start dating someone that I’m not one to offer information and if you want to know something, just ask me. What if I disclose something that isn’t a concern of yours? You may not care whether or not I’m sleeping with someone else or that I find someone attractive and am contemplating pursuing them. I could go on and on about many things in my life from childhood until now; that shouldn’t mean I’m not being truthful because I choose to hold back certain things. Not everything needs to be mentioned. For the sake of argument, let’s say I am seeing someone else and I decide to tell you, not knowing you would prefer being unaware. Now you’re puzzled and trying to figure out why I felt the need to inform you. Volunteering information has the potential to create uncomfortable atmospheres. Such atmospheres breed apprehension and apprehension leaves you without a companion.
Omitting Information
Somewhere along the way, someone decided if a question is posed and the other person responds in a less than desirable manner, then it’s a lie. This is yet another fallacy; nowhere in the definition of a lie does it mention anything about omitting information. At best, it’s immoral or unethical, but it certainly is NOT a lie. Here’s an example: one of my favorite questions women love to ask is “what did you do last night?” It’s one of those things where they’re giving us very little but expect a lot in return. Usually, I’ll mention two or three events of the evening although I may have engaged in several other activities. As long as those two or three events indeed occurred, there is no lie taking place. In the case of women, often times they ask questions to which they already have answers. They ask as a test, seeing if we’ll give them their desired response. When you ask vague questions, you leave the onus on the person you’re asking to determine what information is necessary to disclose and what can be omitted. And no, it doesn’t mean I’m hiding something if choose to leave something out; everything doesn’t need to be verbalized. So the disconnect isn’t necessarily in the response, but rather in the posed question. As long as everything I do say is accurate, there’s no way it can be considered a lie.
Based on my experiences, men generally agree with my perspective while women fall on the opposite side of the fence. Women tend to expect us to divulge bits of information although we may not know exactly what they want what they don’t want. One way or another, if we fail to do so or omit certain items/events when asked a question, we are considered to be liars. I attribute it to women’s natural sense of entitlement. It’s expected for us to pursue them, cater to them, and provide for them. What happens is these expectations carry over into other parts of life, including in communication. But there is a bigger issue here: the term lying has such a negative connotation. Many people don’t realize the severity of pegging someone as a liar. Words fuel perception and we all know perception is everything. In this world, it’s not about who you are, rather who others say you are. All I’m saying is let’s be fair in our assessment of others. We can’t always avoid judging someone, but we should make certain we control the times when we can.
Want to read a woman’s view on this subject? Check out Lies Come in All Shapes and Sizes to get an opposing perspective on the matter of lying. It’s definitely a good read!
A Few Safe-Dating Rules
A short time ago, someone with whom I was involved spent about an hour ranting on Twitter about an incident that happened between us. I, as well as a number of other people, found it to be amusing, but looking back on it now, I kind of feel sorry for her. Not because of what happened (which I’ll mention shortly), but because of the mistakes she made as we were just casually dating. Since I’m such a good guy, I’m sharing this experience hoping other women won’t make the same mistakes. The references below denote mistakes and will correlate to the lessons that follow.
Background
About five years ago, I worked at an elementary summer school program with several of my peers from college. It was a relatively small program with about 15 people working alongside me. There were two girls working there who caught my eye. One of them (the same one referenced above) immediately made it known the feeling was mutual, so we began spending time together outside of work; nothing too serious. A few weeks later, I decided to make a pass at the second girl and learned she took an interest in me as well. To make a long story short, I talked to both girls for the remainder of the summer. However, neither of them knew I was talking to the other until shortly after the fall semester began.
When the two girls found out about each other, they got upset, with which I sympathized and apologized for it. The second one moved on and we never spoke again. The first one eventually forgave me and decided to give it another shot [1]. In my defense, I NEVER lied to either of them about who I was seeing. I also never led either of them to believe I wasn’t seeing anyone else. The first girl asked very few questions about who I was seeing [2], which I interpreted as a lack of concern with knowing whether she was the only one. But instead, she just assumed she was [3].
In addition to her assumptions, her attitude was somewhat carefree which led me to think she was content not knowing about my dating life. Again, I never lied about who I was or wasn’t seeing. In fact, I even told her a couple of times when I was going to see the second girl and she chose to disregard it [4]. I know how easily excited we get when we first meet someone. We sometimes act against our better judgment, overlooking certain behaviors and giving more than we should in an effort to keep their interest. What we forget is it’s more important to act in our own best interest [5].
Lesson 1: If You Forgive, Then Let It Go
If something happens between you and someone you’re dating and you feel you were wronged, you’re free to decide whether you want to give them a second chance. If you don’t, then so be it. But if you do, harping on it and continuing to play the victim doesn’t bode well for either of you. You don’t have to forget what happened, but it is best to move on – with or without that person.
Lesson 2: Ask Questions
If you want or need to know something, ask a question. Questions are your best friends. It is your own responsibility to look out for yourself. Yes, there some people who will lie and there isn’t much you can do when that happens. But if you think you know something and fail to inquire, then you only have yourself to blame if you find out otherwise.
Lesson 3: Never Make Assumptions
This goes along with Lesson 2. The one thing you never do, especially in dating, is make assumptions. Unless you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, never assume you’re the only one someone is dating. In fact, it’s best to air on the side of caution and assume you’re NOT the only one. That way, you don’t set your expectations too high, minimizing the potential to be disappointed.
Lesson 4: Pay Attention to Warning Signs
Following up on Lesson 3, don’t be unmindful to the world. There are warning signs everywhere to help you; don’t ignore them. When you notice something that looks iffy, make a point to address it – in a mature manner of course. If his phone consistently rings during the non-Christian hours of the night, chances are it isn’t his mother. If he seldom makes time for you and frequently has an excuse for it, well…let’s just say people will make time for what/who they please. I’m not saying such behavior is never excusable; I’m saying don’t let it go unnoticed.
Lesson 5: Keep Some for Yourself
A mistake some women tend to make is being too available to a man. Men are users; plain and simple. If he wants it, he will accept anything you offer, be it quality time, sex, food or just overall convenience. But remember, a man can only get away with what you allow.
As a single man or woman, you’re free to date whomever. Is dating more than one person wrong? In and of itself, no it isn’t. Was it wrong for me to date two people within such close quarters? Some say yes; I say no but I can agree it’s debatable. At any rate, that’s not where the issue lies; the issue was how she carried herself; carefree and presumptuous. If you choose to date and live like that, so be it. Just remember to hold yourself accountable for your actions or inactions. It’s your life and your choices, meaning you suffer the consequences.
9 Things We Just Don’t Get
You know how most things in life can fall into two general categories? There are things that make sense where the what, why and how have an apparent rhyme & reason. Like music and sports, which serve as forms of entertainment. Or food and water, which keep us sustained. Then we have those things we struggle to understand. Like why people smoke cigarettes knowing the harm imposed on their bodies; not to mention how expensive of a habit it is. Or how about the message in this quote: “Seventy people catch the swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. Yet, millions of people have AIDS and still, no one wants to wear a condom.” What/who else falls into the second category?
After some thinking, I’ve decided women – and a lot of things they do – fall under the umbrella of things we don’t understand, with the collective “we” being us men. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my share of irrational experiences with women. Below you’ll find several of those scenarios (in no ranking order) that stick out in my mind. See if you can relate to any of them:
1. Based-Beyoncé Stans
So many women around the globe are obsessed with Beyoncé. They call themselves her sister, best friend, cousin, or anything else that’s indicative of actually knowing her. They attempt to mimic her style of dress and dance routines. Women simply worship the ground upon which she walks. I’ll be the first to say it: Beyoncé is OVERRATED! The mere fact her name isn’t marked as incorrect in Microsoft Word bothers me. But it doesn’t matter; women will always be enamored by her – for whatever reason.
2. Don’t Look, But I’m Half-Naked
Apparently, some women wear provocative, attention-grabbing clothes intending to divert our attention. Wearing low cut shirts that practically show areolae and mini-skirts that expose more than 80% of their thighs, we, as men, are still expected to look away. We’re the crazy ones because we want to look. Right…
3) These Shoes Are Killing Me! (Repeat 5x)
I want to take this opportunity to applaud every woman who has ever tried on a pair of designer shoes and bought them knowing they were morbidly uncomfortable. But, it’s not even these women who bother me. It’s the women who repeatedly complain about their feet hurting while wearing them. Maybe, you should have thought about that in the store when your only concern was to look cute. There’s nothing cute about your complaining.
4. The Definition of No = Yes
Have you ever gotten into it with your girl, and later on check to see if she’s okay? You ask: “baby, are you still mad at me?” Chances are if she says “no”, she really means “yes fool, I am pissed!” It could even be worse than during the argument. But why not just say what you really feel to begin with? I guess, as mom would say, “that would be too much like right.”
5. I Am a Queen; You Have to Work for This!
I read this quote that made me think: “Give him a hard time and a [man] will chase you around the world.” It’s sad, yet true in most cases. I just don’t think we should be expected to jump through rings of fire to show our interest Yes, men live for the “chase”, but some women take it way too far. Then they get upset when we explore “alternatives” and say things like “why is he talking to her? She’s not even cute!” or “oh, so he’s just going to talk to Becky over there?” Well, if you were more reasonable and realistic, things might be different. Just a little food for thought…
6. Artificial Hair >>> Real Hair
For the record, I don’t necessarily dislike fake hair. In cases when it looks nice and enhances her look, I’m all for it. I just don’t get the women who cut their hair to sew in Seabiscuit’s or those who shave their eyebrows only to draw artificial facial expressions. Like, why???
7. “Women love a*holes with beards.” – Unknown
I’m just full of quotes today, but this is another one that speaks to my soul. So many women SAY what they want their ideal mate to be. Yet who they date are far from that, being broke, dishonest, cheaters who clearly have nothing going for them. Oh wait – I take that back. They have SWAG. My bad…
8. My Favorite Pastime is Arguing
Whether you’re just casually dating or in a serious relationship, petty arguments are typically unavoidable. But who is usually the catalyst behind them? Without a doubt, it’s the woman. Why do we need to spend an hour discussing how I left the toilet seat up at MY place? Or about why I ignore phone calls when we’re together when they’re actually from my MOTHER? Go ahead, I’ll wait…
9. Hi, I’m a Woman and I’m Allergic to Punctuality
In all of my days, I have only met a select few women who were routinely on-time for things. The rest couldn’t make it on-time if their lives depended on it. It must be something in estrogen that hinders them…yep, that’s it. I’m convinced.
So what’s the point of this list? I literally just subjected you to an 860 word rant without offering any real explanation or solutions. Well, that’s because nothing I say will help you change their way of thinking or even help you understand why women are the way they are. However, here is a bit of advice: the next time you find yourself attempting to rationalize anything above or any others I left off, just stop. Save yourself the time and brain matter. In 26 years, I’m just realizing women are only meant to be understood by themselves. But since there are many guys who haven’t been able to grasp that concept, I felt the need to share. Good luck, gentleman!
That’s None of Your Business!
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I’m not sure if there’s a sure fire way to capture a woman’s heart all the same, but one of the best ways to grab, and more importantly keep her attention is by asking questions and getting to know her for more than what’s on the surface. While this is no secret, some men make the mistake of asking the “personal” questions too soon, creating those unnecessary awkward moments. The last thing you want to do is make the woman you’re interested in feel uncomfortable around you. Based on my observations, I was able to devise a list comprised of seven questions men should typically avoid asking until after some level of a relationship has been established. Let’s take a look:
Why are you single?
Most of you will immediately ask “what’s wrong with asking this?” I asked the same thing when someone suggested avoiding it. Asking a woman why she’s single can potentially remind her of a past relationship that may have left her scarred. It’s better to focus on what she’s looking for in her future rather than what she may have suffered in her past. At best, it’s sort of a backhanded compliment; a lame way of suggesting she’s too attractive to be single.
What size shoe do you wear?
You’re probably thinking the same thing I thought when someone told me never ask this. Apparently, asking a woman’s shoe size is just as bad as asking a woman how much she weighs. Maybe it was because the women I asked happened to have relatively large feet (> 13); I really don’t know but figured I’d include it anyway.
How many sexual partners have you had?
This is probably the worst one. Asking this question at the wrong time will make her think you’re only concerned with having sex. Even if the two of you go home together after the first date, it’s clear neither of you are looking for anything serious. So whether she’s been with three or 300 men should be of no consequence to you. Besides, women rarely divulge how many men they’ve actually been with intimately.
When was the last time you had sex?
Just like the previous one, this may lead her to believe you’re only motivated by an opportunity to “hit it”, which isn’t exactly the best way to gain a woman’s interest. If sex is all you’re after, then fine; let it be known. But again, what difference does it make if you two will just part ways the next morning?
How much do you make?
Why do you need to know what her salary is? Are you trying to determine whether she makes more than you? If you aren’t preparing to be with her long term, this information is irrelevant. And so what if she does make more than you? A woman who has proven she will work hard for what she desires should be more attractive than she is feared. Only weak-minded men are intimidated by ambitious women.
Is that your real hair?
You would think this was obvious, but some men really think it’s ok to ask a woman whether the hair she has was grown or sewn. This question can make you appear to be superficial; as if you’re overly concerned with her physical appearance. Consider this: if you were balding and opted to use a toupee of some sort, would you like your hairpiece to be the topic of discussion? I think not.
Are you on your period?
The first thing she’s going to think when you ask this will be if you’re implying she’s being a…you know what. She may also think you’re trying to determine if sleeping together is a possibility. In a relationship, it’s good to know when her cycle occurs. That way you can prepare to give her a little extra comforting. But during date #2, it’s just frowned upon.
In most cases, women like knowing why men want to know certain things. If it isn’t obvious why we’re asking something, it may appear we have ulterior motives. Since perception is everything, certain questions are better left unasked. I won’t say every woman would get offended if she were asked any one or all of these questions. But, I have have seen each one taken the wrong way. Personally, I prefer to play it safe when it comes to meeting and dating women. Sometimes, men ask questions not considering whether a woman may or may not take offense to it. We tend to think because we wouldn’t mind being asked certain things, they won’t either. What we ought to remember is women should be approached more delicately. There would be fewer stigmas attached to us if we all understood that notion.
We Don’t Wanna See That S***!
Every man loves when a woman takes care of herself and her appearance. The good ones know how to entice us with their fitted clothes, illuminating smiles, well-kept hair and other accentuating features. Then there are those who don’t put forth the effort, or perhaps don’t know any better. Either way, something or some things they do turn us off from them. I felt it was time someone (i.e. myself) shed light on the situation. Below is A Bachelor’s list of five feminine faux-pas:
1) It’s Hammer-Time!
Have you ever seen a woman whose toes were so horrendous they reminded you of the Appalachian Mountains? Yeah – not cool. If you have corns on your toes that prevalent, open-toe shoes and sandals are not your friends. Perhaps, you should invest in some Dr. Scholl’s Corn Removers or other remedy. Also, squeezing your feet in those “Red Bottoms” you knew were a size too small in an attempt to upstage other women at the club wasn’t the wisest thing to do. Now look at you…
2) High-Heels Aren’t For Everyone
Since we’re discussing podiatric etiquette, let me note how the high heel struggle is alive and real. It’s excruciatingly painful being subjected to seeing a woman who’s unable to properly walk in heels. It’s equivalent to watching a broken-winged bird attempting to fly or a three-legged dog trying to run. Only, they have disabilities and can’t do any better; you can. There’s no hiding the fact you’re trying to draw attention to yourself; it’s just the wrong kind of attention. If you teeter from side-to-side just walking across a leveled plane in a pair of stilettos, take them off and try a nice pair of flats; they will serve you just fine.
3) Venus® Works Wonders
Under no circumstances should a woman go more than three consecutive days without shaving her legs, especially when the weather is warm and sundress season is in full swing. Unless you’re over the age of 50, cleanly shaven/waxed legs are not optional; they’re a must. You shouldn’t even have to ask, but yes, this applies to your armpit area as well. Sometimes, it’s OK to be like the boys and do what we do….this just isn’t one of those times.
4) Mac© Makeup Artists…
Belong in their designated area in Nordstrom; not in the office for your Tuesday morning meeting. Some makeup is cool, but cakey, layered makeup is never sexy. The problem is typically when women use too much foundation and eye shadow. Just like most things, makeup should be used in moderation. I understand you want to be more attractive, but making it appear as if you’re competing in RuPaul’s Drag Race is not the way to do it.
5) That Doo Isn’t For You
I don’t know if hairstylist’s talents are falling by the wayside or what, but bad weaves have been running rampant over the last few years. Overall, I’m indifferent when it comes to weave hairstyles. I’ve seen some that looked magnificent, but I’ve seen even more ‘dos that were more like don’ts. One of my exes had weaves so dreadful her tracks would show as soon as she left the salon. The inner lining of your hairdo should NEVER be visible.
Before writing this piece, I discussed the idea I had for it with a good friend of mine over at A Word or Three. We had been flirting with the idea of writing a complementary article and decided this would be a good time to do it. We realized it’s not only the women who have these types of unattractive features; men very well have them too. Check out her list of Five Things Ladies Would Rather Not See, and yes, I wholeheartedly cosign it. Because at the end of the day, we can ALL use a little advice to better ourselves.
When The Time Is Right, You Will Know
While we’re on the topic of marriage/proposals/engagements, I wanted to share my sentiments about a recent video that’s getting a lot of attention on the internet. It relates to a conversation I had with a friend some time ago discussing the timing of a marriage proposal. The clip below was taken at a club and it shows a guy proposing to his girlfriend before a crowd of people, including some of their friends and relatives. Everything about it seemed fine, except he tried to propose as a remedy to an issue they were having. Towards the end, you’ll notice her lips saying “you can’t fix it like this”.
Most of the people I know who’ve seen this travesty felt sorry for the guy, suggesting she could/should have said “yes”, saving face for the moment and later on rejecting him privately. I, on the other hand, disagreed and found everything about this to be quite amusing. From the woman nodding “no” the entire time and her unfazed demeanor to the people in the audience heckling “say yes, don’t embarrass him!” and “[he's] on his knees, [he's] on his knees!” to the timely song selection (Me’shell Ndegeocello – “You Made a Fool of Me”) when the audio is muted. The truth of the matter is – he embarrassed himself and therefore deserves no sympathy.
If there’s one thing in this world that should never be a surprise, it’s a marriage proposal. Let me clarify: the actual moment when and how the man drops to one knee to give his spiel may catch her off guard, but a woman should NEVER be surprised to discover he wants to marry her. Deciding to get married isn’t like waking up and deciding you want to go shopping; it’s something that should be discussed in great depth prior to popping the question. Women don’t hesitate making men aware they want to be married. If a woman doesn’t hint at the idea or flat out tell you she wants to marry you, then either she doesn’t or isn’t ready. With that being said, the guy in the video brought this upon himself. He arranged that elaborate production all for naught, only to embarrass himself in front of mixed company. If I may speculate, he probably thought: “I’m going to gather a bunch of people we know and propose in front of them. She’ll love that and be sure to say yes to me.” Now, I have no clue what their issues were, but I think it was somewhat arrogant and selfish on his part to assume he could resolve the matter by offering to marry her. I applaud her for having the courage to say no rather than compromising herself and her beliefs. Harsh or not, he got what he deserved.
Since he was rejected, another problem presents itself and poses a good question: can a couple carry on after this? Or is there no point in continuing since the two apparently aren’t on the same page anyway? I’m confident this will never happen to me, but for the sake of argument let’s say it did: there is no way I could stay with someone if this happened to me. Perhaps that’s just my ego, but I can’t see myself bouncing back from such a devastating blow. A friend of mine argued a couple could indeed remain together provided the woman simply wasn’t ready at the time. I’m inclined to agree: a couple could work things out if that were the case; I just don’t believe I could. It would be extremely difficult for things to return to normal.
What’s the Lesson Here?
Gentlemen, if you ever find yourself contemplating whether she wants to marry you………well, just take note and don’t let this happen to you.
An Engagement Ring Does More Than Signify a Union….
What is the true significance of an engagement ring? What does it really stand for? Does it serve to show a man’s commitment to his woman, or is it just a small token of what she can expect him to provide for her down the line? I’ve always thought of it as being symbolic of the beginning of a lifelong union between two individuals. But from what I’ve seen and heard recently, it has become more of a flashing point; something that grants women bragging rights amongst their friends.
It’s always been difficult for me to discuss engagement rings with other females. It’s a sensitive matter and I try to avoid it, but sometimes I’m compelled to express my views. I feel like, in general, the women of this generation focus entirely too much on the aesthetics, or lack thereof, of engagement rings. The center stone must weigh X number of carats; the band is supposed to have Y number of stones around it; the total cost should be at least Z dollars. There are too many “standards” influencing how much a man should spend on it. My favorite is the one suggesting how he should reserve 3 months’ salary for it, which is completely ludicrous if you ask me. How many men can really afford to spend 25% of a year’s income on something like that? Let’s put this in perspective: after taxes and other deductions, someone who earns 100k will bring home somewhere in the ballpark of 60K. Of that, he is expected to spend 25K, almost half of his net pay, on a piece of jewelry. That is pretty farfetched. I’m not minimizing the ring’s significance to the marriage; I just think there are better ways that money could be spent. I also don’t think a woman should dictate how much a man is to spend on her. Not to mention, in most cases, this would mean a woman is requiring a man to afford her with something she isn’t able to provide for herself. How imbalanced is that?
I once posted a picture of a random engagement ring on Twitter and as a joke I asked if she would marry me. A friend of mine responded and said if it was her, she would say no solely because the ring wasn’t exactly what she wanted. Her argument was that it wasn’t the cut she preferred. All of her jewelry was the same cut, something her man should have noticed. Okay, so essentially you’d say “no” to a marriage proposal from the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life because the ring was missing a minor detail of yours? Hmmm… Yes, a man should definitely know what his woman likes and put forth a conscious effort in selecting a ring, but is the added pressure necessary? I told her she didn’t deserve to be married with that attitude and left it at that.
A friend of mine once told me she could decipher between a diamond from Tiffany & Co. and one from Zale’s, even if both were the same size, cut, color and clarity. Talk about ridiculous…that’s like me saying I could tell the difference between Q-tips made with cotton from Georgia and those made with cotton from Alabama. What was even more disturbing was when I brought this argument before a few other women, they all agreed there was a visible difference between stones from the two jewelers. The claim was a Tiffany & Co.’s diamond is of “higher quality” than that of one from your “average” jeweler. This goes to further prove my point that women have become exceedingly materialistic and desire to be married for the wrong reasons.
Before writing this blog, I polled several women in different age brackets; mainly between the ages of 25-38. None of the women above 30 were overly concerned with the particulars of her ring; the only ones who fixed themselves on sizes, prices and other things of that nature primarily fell between the ages of 25-30. And to no surprise, each of them was single with no prospect of being married. Why does it matter where your ring was purchased? What difference does it make that he didn’t spend an exorbitant amount of money on it? Who cares that your ring is the smallest of all your friends’ rings? What should matter is his devotion to you; how much he cares about you and your well-being; what kind of father he would be. I long for the day this craze diminishes and when love & commitment trump materialism & vanity as the underpinning of a marriage.
Chivalry As We Know It Is Dead…If It Weren’t; This Is How It Would Look
I’ll be the first to say I believe chivalry is dead. The days where it was a common practice for men to perform random acts of kindness in the interest of women are long gone and won’t be returning. Granted, we live in an era where women are much more independent and self-serving, but that’s not to say women don’t deserve to be treated as…well, women. Some men will argue the modern woman isn’t deserving of such treatment. Naturally, women will argue to the contrary and how men, as a whole, should do better. I generally side with those men, but only to a certain extent…
When I’m on a date, or out with a female friend or relative, I tend to exhibit a few “courteous” behaviors. There are certain things I’ll do for any woman accompanying me somewhere. I don’t do these things because my intentions are to impress. Rather, I was raised to honor & respect women and I have my mother to thank for that. Recently, I’ve had discussions with different people and made some observations of my own; it appears a lot of men aren’t very chivalrous anymore. So I’ve taken the liberty of listing several practices of mine in hopes of helping those men who are lacking in this area.
Open all building doors
Whether it’s a restaurant, the mall, an apartment, or anything of the sort, be sure to hold the door open and allow her to walk through first. This is one of the most fundamental gestures all women notice.
Order second, eat second
When you’re out to eat and/or having drinks, allow her to place her order first. Even if the server looks to you to order first, defer to your date. If your food arrives first, hold off on eating until her food arrives. I can’t say all women hold this with high regard, but I have come across plenty who do. Besides, it’s always safe to follow the “ladies first” rule of thumb.
Walk on the outside of the sidewalk
It may seem insignificant at first, but women definitely notice when men conscientiously walk on the side nearest the street. Also, whenever there are people walking in your direction and there isn’t enough room to walk side-by-side, make sure you step behind her. It gives the impression you’re concerned with keeping her in your sight if something were to happen.
Hold the umbrella when it’s raining
If you’re out on a date, you can easily earn points for doing this without putting forth much effort. It’s a very simple, yet kind notion that has potential to be very effective. With you holding the umbrella, it allows her to clutch your arm if she feels inclined. Now you’ve created an unexpected, intimate moment and essentially you two are brought closer together.
Offer to carry anything heavy
Whenever she has groceries, luggage, or miscellaneous boxes that need to be transported, always insist on carrying them for her. If the load is too much to handle at once, at least make an effort to carry the bulk of it.
Ensure her safety
After an outing, walk with her to her car or selected mode of transportation. Be sure to ask her to contact you to let you know she made it back safely. If you’re driving her home, pull off only after you watch her walk into her place. This lets her know you care about her well-being.
Pay for the first date (Honorable Mention)
While this isn’t necessarily an act of chivalry, it deserves some notoriety. Guys: when you’re out on a date, please don’t fall for the trap. Women will sometimes offer to foot their portion of the bill on that first date. Some are more creative and will pretend to reach in their purse when the bill arrives. Let it be known; a woman will NEVER want nor expect to actually come out of pocket on a first date. This is one of many tests upon which you are critiqued.
Generally speaking, it boils down to being polite and providing her with a sense of security. It means a lot to a woman to feel like her man is keeping her safe. Although they may go unmentioned, women definitely notice “the little things” we do for them. My list, however, is a far from exhaustive. There are plenty of other things you can do to make her feel special. But trust me; you’ll never go wrong by putting some or all of these into practice. We all know someone who isn’t up on game; this would be a good place for them to start.
The Guessing Game
Today, I want to play a little game. I’m going to tell you three short stories (don’t worry, they will be brief) pertaining to women I’ve dated and your job will be to determine the running theme throughout each of them. Sounds like fun right? I know….let’s play!
Scenario 1: I was at a party with someone I was dating. Everything was going well until I stepped outside to take a call, leading her to believe I was being deceitful. I had nothing to hide, so I allowed her to peruse my text messages. She found one I sent to a friend (months prior, mind you), referring to her as “sexy” and lost it. “You don’t talk to other girls like that when you have a GIRLFRIEND.” I thought to myself: “since when have we become official? Hmmm…”
Scenario 2: I returned to school from Christmas break one year. My girlfriend and I spoke prior to my return and we were excited to see each other…or so I thought. She happened to be in her friend’s room at the time. The friend greets me, asking me how my break was and what not, making pleasant conversation. My girlfriend just laid there on the bed; no real greeting. I thought “did I do something?” Nope, it was quite the opposite. We didn’t speak for about two more days when she broke up with me. She exclaimed when I returned from home, she wanted me to come over to the bed and give her a special embrace. “But wait, you didn’t budge or bat an eye when I arrived….how was I supposed to know this?!”
Scenario 3: One summer, a friend of mine and I decided to take things to the next level. We talked for a bit, went on a few dates and started liking each other. The summer ended as the school year began and things were OK for the first two weeks or so. All of a sudden, the communication ceases. No calls, no text messages, no instant messages. I figured she lost interest; no big deal. Two weeks go by and I move on….of course I hear from her then. Apparently, I wasn’t reaching out to her enough. Too bad for her she waited until her tenure expired to express this to me.
OK, now it’s your turn. What do you see as the common denominator here? And yes, there is one.
Give up? Well what I wanted you to notice in each scenario was where the female had an issue but failed to verbalize it to me. Each time, they expected me to just know what was going through their heads. Men are placed in these predicaments all too often. It’s pretty extreme for women to expect men to read their minds and act accordingly. Similarly, it’s unfair to men as we’re labeled as “the bad guy” for such ignorance. The majority of arguments and conflicts amongst couples could be avoided if women verbally communicated more of what they wanted versus expecting men to act without the slightest insinuation. I say this because in my experiences, most arguments arise after the man “screws up”. The funny thing is the moment women develop any serious feelings and become attached, the first thing they ask is “what do you want from me?” but then expect us to be mind-readers. None of us are related to Nostradamus. As much as you want us to communicate our desires, we would appreciate much of the same in return.
I know what you’re thinking: “why not just ask her what she wants?” Well, even that fails on occasion. I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked a woman to tell me what she wants and her response was “nothing.” I’ve gotten the same response even when I’ve inquired about an apparent problem. What’s up with that anyway? If you want something, why not just say so? It’s even more frustrating for me because here I am making an effort to rectify things, but you hinder me from doing so. Guess what, now we’re both annoyed while the issue lingers.
Ladies, at the end of the day, we’re human too; we make mistakes; we don’t know it all. Every man can and will admit to his mistakes, because if he cannot, he’s still in an adolescent frame of mind and you may need to reevaluate your relationship with him anyway. Here’s something that may help: think of us as playground swings; we have the potential to reach very, high points, but we just need someone behind us to give us that little push.
Playing The Game
At some point or another, we’ve all been attracted to someone who was either in a relationship, almost in one or just getting out of one. Either way, they weren’t really up for grabs. For the sake of argument, say that person has expressed an interest in you as well…what do you do? Your first instinct probably tells you to go for it. You’re human, so you want what you want. Then your better half shows up and pumps the brakes. You’re then left to your own devices: are you going to resist temptation or try your hand and see what could become of it? If you choose the former, there are few, if any, imminent repercussions. But if you choose the latter, you must take heed to the rules behind what some consider being a “dirty game”.
Time after time, I’m subjected to the heartbroken, sob-stories from friends venting about someone they were seeing. It’s always the same story: they’re the victim of being too selfless while the other person is too selfish. The issue, however, varies from case to case; it can be a matter of consideration, time, sex, honesty, etc. What I’ve noticed is that it always boils down to a lack of commitment.
The story usually begins on a good note, reminiscing on how the two met and hit it off really well in the beginning. Eventually, they mention how their “special someone” was really someone else’s special someone. But by that time, deep feelings were already attached and it was too late to turn back. Now, I try to be fair and understanding, but when you know what you’re up against from the start, and you pursue it anyway, I won’t have much sympathy if things don’t turn out as you hoped. As adults, we are charged with making wise decisions when we’re in tough spots. You knew he/she was heavily involved with someone else; did you really think you were going to magically sweep them away? Or did you think you had more to offer than the person who has already established them self? 9 times out of 10, that is not going to happen, unless you’re a character in a Lifetime movie. Many have tried; fewer have succeeded…the odds just aren’t in your favor.
One piece o
f advice I often give to my friends is it’s your responsibility to protect yourself, particularly your heart. People tend to feel a sense of entitlement for others to treat them a certain way. Just because you give your all to someone doesn’t mean he/she is obligated to do the same in return. I’m not against dealing with someone who’s “spoken for”, but I certainly don’t encourage it. Putting yourself in this type of situation is a recipe for failure. You build yourself up and develop feelings only to end up empty-handed. Be it availability, intimacy, monetary, you should never give more to someone than they are willing to give you in return. Beware that when you play with fire, you are bound to get burned. When you play in a sea of sharks, you will get bitten. And if you….well, you get the picture. If you play the game, play it wisely.
She’s Just Not That Into You
You’ve probably seen or heard of the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” that came out in early 2009. It was written in the form of a visual guide for women; reenactments of different scenarios intending to portray how a woman could tell if a guy wasn’t feeling her. It was actually quite entertaining and fairly accurate in my opinion; I’d recommend seeing it if you haven’t already done so. But it got me to thinking about the different hints women drop when they aren’t into a man. There are quite a few, but I wanted to list several of them here. I think most of us can agree that lots of men tend to be oblivious when it comes to dating women. Hopefully, this will alleviate some of that “confusion”.
Limited/No Eye Contact
Question: have you ever met a woman who doesn’t want the person she’s seeing to pay attention to her? Of course not, because that woman doesn’t exist. All women appreciate some form of attention. And how else would she know you’re paying attention to her unless she looks at you? If ever you are on a date with a woman who has looked everywhere else but at you while you’re talking, trust and believe she wasn’t into you. Certain exceptions can be made if she’s shy, but even the shyest of females will periodically make eye contact.
One-Sided Conversations
I know this technically is an oxymoron, but it’s only used to make the point. If you find yourself talking considerably more than she is, AND she isn’t asking you any questions, then she isn’t interested. Women are inquisitive; they love to know things about their mates. And to know or learn, one must ask, correct? No questions/conversation = no interest.
Back to Back 1-Word Messages
I have a rule: say I’m trying to date someone. If I send her a series of messages and in return I receive three consecutive one-word responses, I’ll end the “convo” right there. It’s clear to me she has no intentions on indulging me, so why bother? If she was interested, she would have responded without such brevity. You’re probably asking: “well, what if she was busy at the time?” That’s a fair question, but if she’s into you, there would be some thoughtfulness like “hey, I’m working on something, but I will hit you back when I finish. K?” Oh, you didn’t get anything like that? Yeah, keep it moving…
The Classic “Bad Date Bailout Call”
This is actually one of my favorites as many guys don’t realize what hit them. It hasn’t happened to me, but I’ve seen it on several occasions. Face it, women like to talk about their lives. If she’s going on a date, at the very least, she told her best friend about it. The sequence of events goes something like this:
You two meet up >> some conversation is made >> food/drinks arrive >> she sends two or more text messages >> her phone rings shortly thereafter >> she suddenly has to leave, her best friend has an “emergency” >> you are left with food/drinks for two looking foolish >> {End Scene}
Being the gentleman you are, you try to check up on her a day or so later to make sure everything is OK, but you get no response. You’ve been had. The only exception would be if she called you back and apologized, explaining what happened. If she doesn’t, just let it go.
It took me some years to admit it, but women are much cleverer than men; which is why they get away with so much more than we do. Most men are so focused on “winning” they don’t realize when they’ve actually “lost”; often times before they even begin. What men typically overlook is two attributes that parallel female interest: connection and consideration. If she’s interested, you will feel the connection and she will show consideration. But I must tip my hat to the females; they definitely have one up on us in terms of dating-wittiness. I can only hope my fellow brethren will open his eyes in the future and notice if ever he’s positioned in one of these four quandaries.
Welcome to My World
Well Hello,
Welcome to A Bachelor’s Pad! A place where a man can be expressive; a place where he is gratified and uninhibited; a place of serenity; a place where he can be what no one else could be or forbade him from being….a place where he can be himself.
Read….Ponder….Absorb….Converse….Enjoy.
Now, if you will, walk with me….
