A short time ago, someone with whom I was involved spent about an hour ranting on Twitter about an incident that happened between us. I, as well as a number of other people, found it to be amusing, but looking back on it now, I kind of feel sorry for her. Not because of what happened (which I’ll mention shortly), but because of the mistakes she made as we were just casually dating. Since I’m such a good guy, I’m sharing this experience hoping other women won’t make the same mistakes. The references below denote mistakes and will correlate to the lessons that follow.
About five years ago, I worked at an elementary summer school program with several of my peers from college. It was a relatively small program with about 15 people working alongside me. There were two girls working there who caught my eye. One of them (the same one referenced above) immediately made it known the feeling was mutual, so we began spending time together outside of work; nothing too serious. A few weeks later, I decided to make a pass at the second girl and learned she took an interest in me as well. To make a long story short, I talked to both girls for the remainder of the summer. However, neither of them knew I was talking to the other until shortly after the fall semester began.
When the two girls found out about each other, they got upset, with which I sympathized and apologized for it. The second one moved on and we never spoke again. The first one eventually forgave me and decided to give it another shot . In my defense, I NEVER lied to either of them about who I was seeing. I also never led either of them to believe I wasn’t seeing anyone else. The first girl asked very few questions about who I was seeing , which I interpreted as a lack of concern with knowing whether she was the only one. But instead, she just assumed she was .
In addition to her assumptions, her attitude was somewhat carefree which led me to think she was content not knowing about my dating life. Again, I never lied about who I was or wasn’t seeing. In fact, I even told her a couple of times when I was going to see the second girl and she chose to disregard it . I know how easily excited we get when we first meet someone. We sometimes act against our better judgment, overlooking certain behaviors and giving more than we should in an effort to keep their interest. What we forget is it’s more important to act in our own best interest .
If something happens between you and someone you’re dating and you feel you were wronged, you’re free to decide whether you want to give them a second chance. If you don’t, then so be it. But if you do, harping on it and continuing to play the victim doesn’t bode well for either of you. You don’t have to forget what happened, but it is best to move on – with or without that person.
Lesson 2: Ask Questions
If you want or need to know something, ask a question. Questions are your best friends. It is your own responsibility to look out for yourself. Yes, there some people who will lie and there isn’t much you can do when that happens. But if you think you know something and fail to inquire, then you only have yourself to blame if you find out otherwise.
Lesson 3: Never Make Assumptions
This goes along with Lesson 2. The one thing you never do, especially in dating, is make assumptions. Unless you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, never assume you’re the only one someone is dating. In fact, it’s best to air on the side of caution and assume you’re NOT the only one. That way, you don’t set your expectations too high, minimizing the potential to be disappointed.
Following up on Lesson 3, don’t be unmindful to the world. There are warning signs everywhere to help you; don’t ignore them. When you notice something that looks iffy, make a point to address it – in a mature manner of course. If his phone consistently rings during the non-Christian hours of the night, chances are it isn’t his mother. If he seldom makes time for you and frequently has an excuse for it, well…let’s just say people will make time for what/who they please. I’m not saying such behavior is never excusable; I’m saying don’t let it go unnoticed.
Lesson 5: Keep Some for Yourself
A mistake some women tend to make is being too available to a man. Men are users; plain and simple. If he wants it, he will accept anything you offer, be it quality time, sex, food or just overall convenience. But remember, a man can only get away with what you allow.
As a single man or woman, you’re free to date whomever. Is dating more than one person wrong? In and of itself, no it isn’t. Was it wrong for me to date two people within such close quarters? Some say yes; I say no but I can agree it’s debatable. At any rate, that’s not where the issue lies; the issue was how she carried herself; carefree and presumptuous. If you choose to date and live like that, so be it. Just remember to hold yourself accountable for your actions or inactions. It’s your life and your choices, meaning you suffer the consequences.
You know how most things in life can fall into two general categories? There are things that make sense where the what, why and how have an apparent rhyme & reason. Like music and sports, which serve as forms of entertainment. Or food and water, which keep us sustained. Then we have those things we struggle to understand. Like why people smoke cigarettes knowing the harm imposed on their bodies; not to mention how expensive of a habit it is. Or how about the message in this quote: “Seventy people catch the swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. Yet, millions of people have AIDS and still, no one wants to wear a condom.” What/who else falls into the second category?
After some thinking, I’ve decided women – and a lot of things they do – fall under the umbrella of things we don’t understand, with the collective “we” being us men. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my share of irrational experiences with women. Below you’ll find several of those scenarios (in no ranking order) that stick out in my mind. See if you can relate to any of them:
1. Based-Beyoncé Stans
So many women around the globe are obsessed with Beyoncé. They call themselves her sister, best friend, cousin, or anything else that’s indicative of actually knowing her. They attempt to mimic her style of dress and dance routines. Women simply worship the ground upon which she walks. I’ll be the first to say it: Beyoncé is OVERRATED! The mere fact her name isn’t marked as incorrect in Microsoft Word bothers me. But it doesn’t matter; women will always be enamored by her – for whatever reason.
Apparently, some women wear provocative, attention-grabbing clothes intending to divert our attention. Wearing low cut shirts that practically show areolae and mini-skirts that expose more than 80% of their thighs, we, as men, are still expected to look away. We’re the crazy ones because we want to look. Right…
3) These Shoes Are Killing Me! (Repeat 5x)
I want to take this opportunity to applaud every woman who has ever tried on a pair of designer shoes and bought them knowing they were morbidly uncomfortable. But, it’s not even these women who bother me. It’s the women who repeatedly complain about their feet hurting while wearing them. Maybe, you should have thought about that in the store when your only concern was to look cute. There’s nothing cute about your complaining.
4. The Definition of No = Yes
Have you ever gotten into it with your girl, and later on check to see if she’s okay? You ask: “baby, are you still mad at me?” Chances are if she says “no”, she really means “yes fool, I am pissed!” It could even be worse than during the argument. But why not just say what you really feel to begin with? I guess, as mom would say, “that would be too much like right.”
I read this quote that made me think: “Give him a hard time and a [man] will chase you around the world.” It’s sad, yet true in most cases. I just don’t think we should be expected to jump through rings of fire to show our interest Yes, men live for the “chase”, but some women take it way too far. Then they get upset when we explore “alternatives” and say things like “why is he talking to her? She’s not even cute!” or “oh, so he’s just going to talk to Becky over there?” Well, if you were more reasonable and realistic, things might be different. Just a little food for thought…
6. Artificial Hair >>> Real Hair
For the record, I don’t necessarily dislike fake hair. In cases when it looks nice and enhances her look, I’m all for it. I just don’t get the women who cut their hair to sew in Seabiscuit’s or those who shave their eyebrows only to draw artificial facial expressions. Like, why???
7. “Women love a*holes with beards.” – Unknown
I’m just full of quotes today, but this is another one that speaks to my soul. So many women SAY what they want their ideal mate to be. Yet who they date are far from that, being broke, dishonest, cheaters who clearly have nothing going for them. Oh wait – I take that back. They have SWAG. My bad…
Whether you’re just casually dating or in a serious relationship, petty arguments are typically unavoidable. But who is usually the catalyst behind them? Without a doubt, it’s the woman. Why do we need to spend an hour discussing how I left the toilet seat up at MY place? Or about why I ignore phone calls when we’re together when they’re actually from my MOTHER? Go ahead, I’ll wait…
9. Hi, I’m a Woman and I’m Allergic to Punctuality
In all of my days, I have only met a select few women who were routinely on-time for things. The rest couldn’t make it on-time if their lives depended on it. It must be something in estrogen that hinders them…yep, that’s it. I’m convinced.
So what’s the point of this list? I literally just subjected you to an 860 word rant without offering any real explanation or solutions. Well, that’s because nothing I say will help you change their way of thinking or even help you understand why women are the way they are. However, here is a bit of advice: the next time you find yourself attempting to rationalize anything above or any others I left off, just stop. Save yourself the time and brain matter. In 26 years, I’m just realizing women are only meant to be understood by themselves. But since there are many guys who haven’t been able to grasp that concept, I felt the need to share. Good luck, gentleman!
Today, I want to play a little game. I’m going to tell you three short stories (don’t worry, they will be brief) pertaining to women I’ve dated and your job will be to determine the running theme throughout each of them. Sounds like fun right? I know….let’s play!
Scenario 1: I was at a party with someone I was dating. Everything was going well until I stepped outside to take a call, leading her to believe I was being deceitful. I had nothing to hide, so I allowed her to peruse my text messages. She found one I sent to a friend (months prior, mind you), referring to her as “sexy” and lost it. “You don’t talk to other girls like that when you have a GIRLFRIEND.” I thought to myself: “since when have we become official? Hmmm…”
Scenario 2: I returned to school from Christmas break one year. My girlfriend and I spoke prior to my return and we were excited to see each other…or so I thought. She happened to be in her friend’s room at the time. The friend greets me, asking me how my break was and what not, making pleasant conversation. My girlfriend just laid there on the bed; no real greeting. I thought “did I do something?” Nope, it was quite the opposite. We didn’t speak for about two more days when she broke up with me. She exclaimed when I returned from home, she wanted me to come over to the bed and give her a special embrace. “But wait, you didn’t budge or bat an eye when I arrived….how was I supposed to know this?!”
Scenario 3: One summer, a friend of mine and I decided to take things to the next level. We talked for a bit, went on a few dates and started liking each other. The summer ended as the school year began and things were OK for the first two weeks or so. All of a sudden, the communication ceases. No calls, no text messages, no instant messages. I figured she lost interest; no big deal. Two weeks go by and I move on….of course I hear from her then. Apparently, I wasn’t reaching out to her enough. Too bad for her she waited until her tenure expired to express this to me.
OK, now it’s your turn. What do you see as the common denominator here? And yes, there is one.
Give up? Well what I wanted you to notice in each scenario was where the female had an issue but failed to verbalize it to me. Each time, they expected me to just know what was going through their heads. Men are placed in these predicaments all too often. It’s pretty extreme for women to expect men to read their minds and act accordingly. Similarly, it’s unfair to men as we’re labeled as “the bad guy” for such ignorance. The majority of arguments and conflicts amongst couples could be avoided if women verbally communicated more of what they wanted versus expecting men to act without the slightest insinuation. I say this because in my experiences, most arguments arise after the man “screws up”. The funny thing is the moment women develop any serious feelings and become attached, the first thing they ask is “what do you want from me?” but then expect us to be mind-readers. None of us are related to Nostradamus. As much as you want us to communicate our desires, we would appreciate much of the same in return.
I know what you’re thinking: “why not just ask her what she wants?” Well, even that fails on occasion. I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked a woman to tell me what she wants and her response was “nothing.” I’ve gotten the same response even when I’ve inquired about an apparent problem. What’s up with that anyway? If you want something, why not just say so? It’s even more frustrating for me because here I am making an effort to rectify things, but you hinder me from doing so. Guess what, now we’re both annoyed while the issue lingers.
Ladies, at the end of the day, we’re human too; we make mistakes; we don’t know it all. Every man can and will admit to his mistakes, because if he cannot, he’s still in an adolescent frame of mind and you may need to reevaluate your relationship with him anyway. Here’s something that may help: think of us as playground swings; we have the potential to reach very, high points, but we just need someone behind us to give us that little push.
So you just started seeing a new guy. It’s early and you’re still getting a feel for him; trying to figure out what his motives and intentions are with you, but it’s clear you do like him. A few outings and couple weeks later, you start meeting his friends and immediately you notice many of them are female. Now you feel mildly threatened because you don’t know the details of these “friendships”. But, should this even be a concern?
I’ve never understood why a guy who has “a lot” of female friends is usually labeled as promiscuous. It wouldn’t be an issue if his dating life wasn’t impacted as a result. But in my experiences, it is affected quite often. Prime example: I was in a relationship and my girlfriend was out of town one weekend. One of my boys was in town with his girlfriend and they begged me to go out with them, but who likes being a dreaded third-wheel? Certainly not I, so I found a friend (female, platonic) to accompany us. My girlfriend called later that evening, asking where I was and with whom. I told her the truth, but the problem was she knew nothing of my friend and that was when the fight began.
The argument ensued and she insisted I was out on a “double date”. If anytime two guys are out with two women, regardless of their relationship, is considered a double date, then I was guilty as charged. In reality, interactions between the two sexes and each person’s intentions should determine if a “date” is actually taking place. I explained how the outing was innocent; neither I nor my friend intended to do anything other than enjoy each other’s company. Of course she wasn’t hearing that, though. She referenced my “many females” and then is when I knew the issue she had stemmed deeper than just one girl she didn’t know.
I’ve found at times people emphasize irrelevant points and lose sight of the relevant ones. Rather than obsessing over how many friends a guy has, why not get to know his friends? Sometimes, friends reveal the best information; things your mate wouldn’t otherwise disclose. Things that may allow you to see him from a different perspective. Things that will help you to better determine whether or not he is the one for you.
One year, a young man was given a unique writing utensil and a notebook as a gift. Initially, he knew nothing of using these objects and therefore didn’t appreciate them. It was apparent his desire to read had diminished, so it perplexed him to receive a present of this caliber. However, he knew it was given to him for a reason; his job was to figure out why.
He began to search for his outlet; a way to put his gifts to good use. Reading wasn’t an option, so he tried watching television, but that became boring and repetitive. He gave the radio a shot – particularly the talk shows – and that didn’t satisfy. He ventured into the World Wide Web, browsing an array of sites with different applications and readings; still, something was missing. The young man remained persistent in his quest.
While not being a quitter, conceding defeat appeared not only as the best option, but the last one remaining. A short time later, during a conversation with a female friend, he found himself providing a sort of counsel. Merely giving an account of a past experience and what he learned, it was just what she needed. Reliving that experience granted the young man a breath of fresh air.
It didn’t take long for him to realize his passion: examining his personal relationships as well as the interactions between other people. Finally, he learned his mission, how he was to utilize his gift. He had discovered his niche, his vision became clear, and A Bachelor’s Pad was born.
Welcome to A Bachelor’s Pad! A place where a man can be expressive; a place where he is gratified and uninhibited; a place of serenity; a place where he can be what no one else could be or forbade him from being….a place where he can be himself.
Now, if you will, walk with me….